(AP) New York. CNN reported that PRM died. Services will be held next Monday at Dunkin Donuts. Patients are asked not to attend, but instead to forward their complaints to Rosie O’Donnell.

A fellow, David Phillips, wrote, “Relationships should be considered part of the intrinsic value of the corporation”—he is an auditor. I read a paper co-authored by a slew of PhDs who concluded that the six components for measuring relationships include; mutuality, trust, commitment, satisfaction, exchange relationship, and communal relationship. I feel better just knowing that.

Patient Relationship Management—PRM. I hate being the one to break the news but, PRM is dead. I didn’t kill it. It’s dead because it never existed.  Relationship Management.  Who is actually measuring a relationship? What unit of measure do you use? Inches, foot-pounds, torque? PRM Carcasses are strewn about. You can’t manage what you can’t or don’t measure.

“What are you talking about?” She hollered. “We measure. We measure everything. If it’s got an acronym, we’ve got a measure for it. KPIs. CSFs. ACD. IVR. ATT. AHT. Hold time. Abandonments. Churn.”

Just because something is being measured, it doesn’t mean that the measure has anything to do with the desired outcome. I’d wager my son’s allowance that nobody uses a single quantifiable metric that precisely points to the health of an individual patient relationship. Seems silly? No sillier than really believing you have an ability to manage something as ephemeral and esoteric as relationships.

Just how good are those relationships everyone thinks they’ve been managing? Five percent higher than last month?  Down three percent over plan?  Permit me a brief awkward segue. Joseph Stalin said, “One death is a tragedy, one million deaths are a statistic.” The point is that scale matters—a great deal.  One death versus a million.  One patient interaction versus millions.  It makes a difference. The things we do that impact patients impact them individually, one at a time.

Technology metrics apply to patients—plural. Technology metrics are averages—patients aren’t.  You are measuring against the masses.  The mass does not churn, does not leave your hospital, does not ask to speak to a supervisor.  If I am the patient, not a single metric, not a single measure in your hospital accurately depicts the success or failure of our interaction.

So, what’s a mother to do? Stop pretending you are managing your business by managing relationships—since it’s not possible to do the latter, it follows logically that you can’t possibly be doing the former.

Here’s what you can do, manage your hospital using things you can measure. You can start by defining metrics for the following;

Patient Referral Management—how many patients came via referral?

Patient Resolution Management—how many patient problems were fixed?

Patient Recovery Management—how many patients did you win back?

Patient Retention Management—how many patients did you prevent from going elsewhere?

Show these to the VP of Operations and all of a sudden you have something to talk about. Show the VP how much you reduced some global metric—so what?