Somebody had to do this, so it may as well be me. Sometimes to bring clarity to issues, it helps me if I dumb-it-down. Which got me to wondering, how would the whole healthcare reform debate play out with Mother Goose? Here’s what I was able to learn from my interviews.
Jack & Jill went up the hill, Jack fell down, and learned Mother Goose’s insurance wouldn’t cover him because he’s not a real boy. Having recovered, Jack was soon found not so nimbly jumping over the candlestick. His charred wooden body is being sanded in an effort to heal the burns. Not only is Jack not a real boy, he’s also not a candidate for Mensa.
They sent the Little Old Woman who lived in the shoe home with a can of Desenex because her AARP insurance had expired and Medicare told her she already used her share of the money. Afterwards, she was interviewed by Planned Parenthood for an episode of “I didn’t know I was pregnant.”
And remember that tuffet upon which Little Miss Muffet sat? It wasn’t the spider who frightened her away, it was the deductible she’d hay to pay to cover the rash she got. She tried sussing out her own treatment using social media on WebMd.
Jack Sprat could eat no fat, but he forgot to disclose that when he completed his insurance application. He now suffers anemia anonymously as his not so lean wife left him.
How about Peter Peter Pumpkin eater? All that fiber blocked his colon—a little personal prevention could have saved him a lot of time posed in the Thinker position.
Mary and Little Bo-Peep had a little mutton for dinner which after having sat on the counter all day produced various toxins which were absorbed into their bloodstream. This resulted in them being rushed to the Mother Goose Clinic with a case of food poisoning.
Simple Simon met a pieman who knew nothing of pasteurization. Simple is sitting three seats away from Mary in the waiting room. The Clinic has been unable to locate either of their records on their EHR which cost in excess of one hundred million dollars.
Old King Cole called for his pipe even though he had a severe case of sinusitis. CVS was out of Z-packs, and home he went with just a tin of Prince Albert.
All the king’s men tried to make a meal out of Mr. Dumpty. Several were to learn later that one can get Salmonella from eating a raw egg that had been tromped on by horses.
Pat-a-cake. The baker’s man, not one for washing his hands before pattying his cakes, caused Tommy to be seen by an internist. Apparently neither real men nor cartoon men wash there hands.
The Butcher, the Baker, and the Candlestick-Maker, were being treated for nontuberculous mycobacterial disease for poor hygiene having been found bathing together.
It was reported that Georgie Porgie who’d been kissing girls had made them cry when they discovered they had contracted the herpes simplex virus. Their mother, embarrassed by the turn of events, reported to the school that her twins were out with the H1N1 virus.
The Three Blind Mice were found to have stitched themselves together after unsuccessfully trying to sew back on each other’s tails. It was later discovered that the tails had been cut off by the Farmer’s wife with the Butcher’s knife. The mice are suffering from septicemia. The Crooked Man and Yankee Doodle are trying to ascertain why the Farmer’s Wife and the Butcher were later found hiding in the barn. The Farmer’s wife is being treated with Effexor on an out-patient basis for clinical depression. The Farmer was not available for comment.
It’s believed that Willie Winkie is suffering from a plantar wart after running through the town in just his nightgown. Uninsured, he tried removing the wart with the knife he’d borrowed from the Butcher, only learn the knife had been recently use to amputate the tails of some handicapped mice.
Old Mother Hubbard, a spinster of questionable repute, upon learning that there were no bones in the cupboard for her dog Hannibal, began to get hungry herself. She settled for a meaty broth, and fava bean soup, and a nice Chianti. Polly was seen putting on the kettle. The SPCA continues to look for Ms. Hubbard’s dog.