My Whimsical Solution to the Immigration Problem

What is all this discussion concerning legal migration and Borders?

Some people want to build a wall; some want to be the wall.  On one end, Mexico, the problem is illegal immigration.  On the other, Canada, the problem that is not being addressed is legal migration.  However, if not for Canada, we would have fewer comedians and television news anchors.

Here’s my take on the matter, an approach I think that has been overlooked.  If the problem is too difficult, reframe the problem to make it easier to solve.  The government defines the problem as one requiring the US to defend five thousand miles of borders.  Their idea—build a wall.  Perhaps they could outsource the solution to the Chinese, have them build The Great Wall, Version 2.0.  turn it into a sight-seeing opportunity, sort of a destination hot spot, and using the tourism dollars to pay back the Chinese.  This way, English-speaking people from around the world could come see the Wall, take in the Grand Canyon, and Hoover Dam, and leave their tourism dollars in the US.

Instead of wrestling with how to defend five thousand miles of border, what if the border was shorter?  How?  Buy Mexico, and bring the troops home from Afghanistan and overthrow Canada.  If we owned Mexico, it solves two problems.  One, the border we would then need to defend becomes just a few hundred miles, Guatemala and Belize.  They could get all the supplies needed for that wall from Home Depot.

Second, why do people from Mexico sneak into the US?  Because they want to come to America.  If we bought Mexico, Mexicans would already be in America, hence, there would be no need to come to America.  I realize this argument is a bit existential, but the argument might work.

Looking north, if Canada became the fifty-first state—of course we would try to force France to take Quebec—the northern border becomes the Arctic Circle.  At that point, the only people we would need to defend against would be the Intuits and Santa Claus.   If we were to get Canada, our petroleum reserves would increase, and we’d be able to purchase prescription medicines for less money.

Maybe the feds could learn a few things about security from Borders, the bookstore.  The security at their stores far outstrips the security at our borders.

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