There remain a few things which separate men from the no-opposable-thumbs crowd, but they are in rapid decline. These come to mind for me, please feel free to add your favorites.
- Fitted sheets. If they were meant to be folded neatly, there would be instructions printed on the package. They are folded when you buy them because they popped out of a machine that way; give me the machine and I will fold them. Otherwise, that is why linen closets have doors.
- The reason grocery stores went from using paper bags to plastic is because men do not like to do things more than once—like making repeated trips to the car to carry in the bags. The volume of a grocery cart is designed to hold an amount of food equal to that which a man can carry from the car in plastic bags in a single trip. Things laying on the bottom rack of the shopping cart do not count in the trip equation—items like eighty pound bags of dog food, cases of soda, and bulk purchases. If you are unsure if an item is to be counted against the one trip rule, do not purchase it.
- Housekeeping. No cleaning is required of any item whose height is one inch higher than that of your spouse—if it cannot be seen it cannot be dirty. If the cord of the vacuum cleaner was meant to be coiled it would have a built-in coiler. Your time would be more productive if you did not waste time coiling and uncoiling, a task with zero value-add.
- Standardized tests. Answering questions with the same letter more than three consecutive times will cause your head to implode. The days when you could score an 800 on the SAT simply by placing your name on the scoring sheet are over.
- There is nothing wrong with arguing, until you get to the point in the argument when you know you are wrong. That part stinks.
- Men will communicate better when Microsoft develops a sarcasm font.
- If you don’t hear what someone says, and have to ask them to repeat themselves, that is okay—it is a Mulligan. You get one Mulligan per conversation. If at the end of the second telling you still have no idea what was said you are responsible to nod your head and act like you get it—this is what is meant by active listening.
- On driving. If a car is attempting to move into your lane, and the driver is not using their turn signal, you are not obligated to let them in. If the men in other cars notice this violation, it is permissible for the group of men to align their cars in a ‘moving pick’ formation to block the other car from entering or passing. If the violating driver begins to signal you by using sign language, you are obligated to maintain the moving pick formation even if it means missing your next several exits.
- Friends never let friends wear Speedos.
- 10. There is no reason to know how to iron or sew on a button. That’s why there are stores.