Abandon Hope All Yee Who Enter Here

 

I thought those words would make a better announcement for a provider’s call center, or at least, it would add a bit of whimsy for the callers.

I hung a new sign outside of my office; Senior Hallway Monitor, and I added a parenthetical note; “Do you need me to build the watch, or do you just need to know the time?”

Too many providers are trying to build watches to understand consumerism. Unfortunately, none of them have any experience building watches.

The neo-watch-builders have reset their call center IVR to the following:

  1. If you want a single payer system, press ‘1’ and your call will be transferred to Bernie Sanders
  2. If you want to single payer system today, press ‘2’ to be transferred to Canada’s immigration system
  3. If you believe in global warming, press ‘3’ to be transferred to Barbara Streisand
  4. If you want to do something other than schedule an appointment, press ‘4’, click your heels together three times, and chant, there’s no place like home
  5. If you went to our website to do anything other than finding out what hours our gift shop is open, press whatever you wish because we can’t help you
  6. If you went to our website to donate, press ‘5’ and we will send someone to your home to pick up your check
  7. If you want to speak with a clinician, press ‘6’ to listen to the recording that says someone will get back to you within 2-3 days
  8. If you do not want to press ‘6’, hang up and go to the Minute Clinic
  9. If you clicked ‘contact us’ on our website, repeat step 7
  10. If you want to solve this problem, press ‘7’ and you will be connected to the Senior Hallway Monitor

Did I mention that I am the Senior Hallway Monitor?

There are solutions that are better than trying to learn to build watches.  If you are interested in learning what time it is, call me.

 

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